Women vs Men

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa & fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways & look in the mirror!

He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would but you're never there.

On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . "I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. What do men & sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men & government bonds? A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed & go to the fridge.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says. "Why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Q Do you still miss your ex-husband?
A:Yes, but my aim is improving.

Lois Wayne said: Men are taught to apologize for thier weaknesses, women for their strengths.

Anita Loos said: The people I'm furious with are the women's liberationists. They keep getting up on soap boxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. It's true but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

Bette Davis said: When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. when a women gives her opinion she's a bitch.

Joan Rivvers said: My mother gave me this advice: trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name

Marsha Warfield said: kids are like husbands - they're fine so long as they're someone else's

Dorothy Parker said: I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the sh** out of you.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi, Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been give your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this saturday?
SHE: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, dont be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I cant talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Dont you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: Im a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, whats your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, theres no service today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'de die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be therest of your life- in your wildest dreams

How men screw up romance:

• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
• People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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